The Plain Dealer

The Plain Dealer newspaper in Cleveland is claiming it is losing customers to the world wide web, to electronic information systems that spread news instantly, to 24 hour news programs on cable TV. This is all probably true but, you knew there was going to be a but, it is also because of their lack of customer service.

Today I did not receive a newspaper delivered to my house. This is just one of many instances in the past year where the Plain Dealers lack of customer service has been evident. I called my carrier at 7:30 AM, of course my call was forwarded to voice mail. I wait and wait and wait, no return phone call and no newspaper. So at 9:30 I call the Plain Dealers Customer Service Desk. I go through the automated system which doesn't give me the satisfaction of bitching. I'VE BEEN WRONGED HERE AND I WANT JUSTICE. So I call back to the Plain Dealer at 9:35 AM and wait on hold until 9:44 AM until I get to talk with a real person. I wonder how many operators they have and how many complaints they get that it takes them nine minutes to answer the phone. I am told that it is to late for me to receive a newspaper today but they could deliver it tomorrow or just credit my account for 1 newspaper. Why would I want today's newspaper delivered tomorrow? I can just go to the world wide web or a 24 hour news program on cable. Hey a light bulb just turned on, I don't need the Plain Dealer delivered to my house I can get all the news I need electronically.

There is something very tactile about sitting at the kitchen table holding the newspaper and reading it together with my Honey Bunny, passing sections back and forth and making side comments to each other about the article that we are reading. Our morning ritual is about to come to an end due to poor customer service. Not the Internet, not the cable TV but poor customer service.

I remember as a kid sleeping out in my back yard, getting up at 4:30 in the morning with my friend Dickmo and Hoss and jumping on our bikes and going to deliver the Plain Dealer for Dickmo's paper route. Dickmo who wasn't known as Dickmo at this time of our lives, he didn't get the distinction of the name Dickmo until later on in life. I digress. Dickmo would ride his bike down the middle of the street barking orders like "Side door, milk chute, front porch skip the next two houses and then side door." You see that WAS customer service. A person did not even have to leave the confines of their home to get the newspaper.

The Plain Dealer then decided that kids no longer would be able to deliver the news paper. Adults would deliver the paper and not to your doorstep but to your drive apron. We as customers put up with this lack of personal service because it was supposed to keep costs of the newspaper down. Now the adults are getting so lazy that they can't even hit my 20' wide driveway. I find my paper in the drainage ditch, on the backside of snow piles, on the wet dewy grass, everywhere but in my driveway. I used to be able to go get my Plain Dealer in my big, fluffy, bright red, Ohio State slippers. Now I have to put on water proof work boots, carry a flashlight, a cell phone in case I get lost, a side arm to keep the vicious woodland creatures away and a fishing net to get the paper out of any ponds it might be floating in. Going for the newspaper has become an adventure, a safari a pain in my ass that I can no longer accept quietly. When I get back to the safety of my castle I usually find at least one if not more pages wet with morning dew, rain or deer and critter piss. I want the newspaper delivered in my driveway. The Horror.

I pay my bill one year in advance. I used to be a 20% tipper. You would think that they would want to keep a customer like me happy. This past billing cycle I tipped nothing, zero, nada, zilch. I have complained to the Plain Dealer and the carrier three times in the past year. You would think that someone would get the hint that I am unhappy with their service. They don't. The Plain Dealer has been writing articles about how bad the customer service of the Cleveland Water Department is. Trust me the Water Department is terrible. Maybe just maybe the Plain Dealer should look inside their own glass house before they start throwing stones.